L is for the way you look at me...

Anyone who knows me knows I am a huge Kahlil Gibran fan. I've read The Prophet more times than I can count, and it's my standard go to 'first gift' item for most of my friends.  It's spiritual without being religious.  It's truth surrounded by hope.  It's the essence of daily life and the way we should strive to live.

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."

I get shivers down my spine when I read or speak this quote.  It's truth.  As much joy as I get from the earth, the earth gains back from the love I can show it. She really is the ultimate mother.

"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit."

Let love flow out of you without bounds, grow fruit where there is barren land, and give of yourself as often as you can. 

"Love possesses not nor will it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love."

This makes me think of him.  The man who I loved more than I've ever loved, yet hurt me more than I've ever hurt.  He tried to possess me instead of love me and it ended in him being possessed by something inhuman. People are all good, they sometimes choose to be bad.  And they can choose to be good once more because forgiveness always exists.

"When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you."

I have followed, blindly sometimes, down loves narrow paths.  Sometimes I have been pushed off those paths, but the journey was always worth having to dust off.  

"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

Truer words have never been spoken.  Alfred Tennyson first said, 'It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.' But it's when you have lost that realise just how much you loved sometimes.  In the spring I went through the worst breakup I could have ever imagined.  Not even in the worst times would I have thought it would end the way it did.  I haven't spoke to him since.  And though I still have so much hurt in my mind from what happened between us, the love in my heart still burns so strongly.  I've tried putting a lid on it, I've tried drowning it in water, I've tried tearing it out of my chest and burying it in the woods.

I called him my husband.  He asked me to be his wife, but we never made it legal, but still he was my husband, and I was his wife.  We lived as one family, we shared everything we had, we did everything together, he was all I ever had wanted in a partner, and to him I was always true.  I miss him every day.  And I firmly believe that I will never love another the way I love him, and for now, I don't want to.  The thought of being with someone else make me feel ill.  When you legally marry someone, the one true benefit I find is also the biggest fault, you must divorce legally.  It at least brings some sense of closure and an end to what once was, but for now, I feel stuck in limbo, unable to tear away from him, unable to tell him how I feel, and knowing that it wouldn't matter anyway.

I knew from the moment we met that we were made for one another, that we belong in each others arms, and as I told you once before, you'll never find anyone that will love you the way I do, because a love bigger than mine for you isn't possible.  As stupid as people tell me it is, I would take you back if you asked me to because I still believe in the power and truth of love.  Of our love.

I wish you could read this.  I wish you could hear that I love you.