Down

Do you ever feel like the light at the end of the tunnel just keeps getting farther instead of closer?

I'm very sick tonight. Hello porcelain god...

Namaste.

C
Xx

Try to do something normal

And it blows up in my face. Fuck it.

Whew

What a day.

Tomorrow will only be worse.

Chemo day.

I'm having a down day. Is that okay?

I can't be positive all the time.

Stories from the cancer ward

Welp, another day is passing here in small town Washington.  Things are very different then the last few times I've posted.  I'm moving (just down the road) and that's taking a lot of time.  But mostly it's just sheer exhaustion taking over.  

I've started chemo and it's really doing a swell job of kicking my energy level to nothing.  I'm now bald.  And that's been a battle (sorry, Chris for being overly sensitive about it on occasion, I am a right mental right now) in and of itself.  You don't realise how much something means to you until you've lost it.  I've had some of the rudest things said to me once people realise that I have cancer.  Including talking about their dead from cancer relatives, asking if I'm going to die and telling me one cancer is worse than what I have.  I've been amazed actually.  But keeping my head held high and my spirits up is my number one priority.  Positivity is the only way to beat this. 

Just had scans and tests this morning.  Chemo again next week.  I'm full of holes at the moment, twats at this hospital don't know how to take blood for the life of them.  Oh well, I'd make a right brilliant colander. 

Moving on from Cancer World.  

Chelsea smashed Arsenal to bits on Sunday.  Brilliant work on the pitch boys.  

I've fallen in love with the new Jason Mraz live cd/dvd.  Can't wait for the next one to come out.  Keep it up, kiddo. 

And I'm here eating Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide, dreaming of home, thinking about simple things and hoping to get moved in for good this week.  Very excited.  I painted and everythink.  So pretty... even if it does roughly resemble the Irish Flag.  Fuck off.  :D

Let's see, anything else to go on about?  I'm back to an 80/20 raw food diet.  Obviously my Ben and Jerry's is 'I just had scans so I'm treating myself fuck off' and not part of that.  Hehe.  

I'm applying to NaturalPath schools.  Not telling where, it's a surprise.  Don't want to jinx it maybe.  But I'm very very excited.  

I'm feeling very grateful for the people in my life lately.  So to all of you, thank you so very much.  You've made life better.  

Namaste. 

Clare

xx

A change gonna come

You can't imagine, unless you're unfortunate enough to have been there yourself, how uncomfortable it is to make the decision whether you'll freeze some ovum before they radiate the hell out of your ovaries. And I'm not even talking about the 16 gauge needle that they use to extract the little maybe babies.

As I sat thinking things through waiting for the doctor to come answer my barage of questions, I realized that it was my last fight against this stupid cancer taking away the one thing that really makes me a woman. Or a mammal. Even though I'll never carry my maybe baby, it's nice to know it could carry my genes and those of my future husband if we were to choose. In all logical thoughts I have left I'm not going to use them. I'd rather adopt a babe in need of my home and lovin buuuuuuut it's one more kick in the nuts to cancer. And I'm happy to deliver said kick to it, even if it's slowly sending me to the padded walled cell in return. Life must go on.

Namaste kids. I love you all lots.
C
Xx

Sometimes

I wonder why I allow the shit I allow people to say/do/treat me like.

Fucksake.

Today is a day I need to back down the pity party and just take a nap.

Sigh.

Fewer words

A poem about my cancer.

Cancer.
It's fucking scary.
It hurts.
Physically.
And mentally.
It makes you question what you could have done to prevent it.
It makes you want to protect those you love from it's grasp.
It's a part of your body turned into a mutant.
Taking over a piece of your flesh.
They zap you in a microwave.
Killing cells and your energy.
And then with a blade they remove a bit of you.
Leaving you less of a woman
Less human.
Different.
Without.
Afraid.
Afraid of a resurge.
Or a new cancer from the cure itself.
Yes.
It leaves you.
It leaves you feeling less.

Lyric of the night

Written by me.

There is a beautiful full moon out tonight.
My heart sings as my body feels light.
The bright bold Luna makes me think of you.
No matter what you put me through.

What a week

I love how people love to be right about being apathetic and believing whatever they have been told to believe by whomever.

We in these here united states will do and say anything to make out tasks less work and to make us oblivious to the worldly lies.

I had just found a great raw food lasagna recipe I was going to try for the fam. B is sick today and I was saying it was maybe too much work. I was greeted with the answer of 'i thought raw food people just ate a tomato raw and only did that because they were lazy.' insued into an arguement about microwaves and ended in what does the FDA have to say about it? My answer 'nothing and it doesn't suprise me because they lie and withhold lots'. Response = that's what you believe.

Life. So silly.

I'll talk more about the rest of my week later.

C
Xx

Hell yeah!

This man might have his issues, but fuck he's right. Get the hell off the sofa and start acting and reacting!

What disempowering story are you telling about yourself?

This was one of the questions in the past weeks at cafe gratitude.  

The real question is how many and why.  

My disempowering lies are based on things that other people have told me about myself.  People who have either claimed to care for me or helped create my being into existence.  

Disempowering lie un:  That I am stupid.  I find the older I get, the more I start to believe this.  When I was a kid and my dad used to tell me how stupid I was, I would rebuke it in my head, thinking that I knew all.  Now when I make mistakes my first thing I think some days is "god, you are so stupid, Clare..."  It's usually in his voice.  It's not even stupidity that I feel, it's more failures.  Little things.  Big things.  Things out of my control.  I feel my dads watching gaze telling me 'I told you so.'  It's a wretched feeling.  It stops today.  

Empowering fact:  I will accomplish my goals.  I have done plenty so far.  I have the audacity to succeed for myself and my family.  I'm more than what I appear.  I will change the world for the better. 

Disempowering lie deux:  That other people are better than me.  A feeling we all get.  A lie we are made to believe by the media and many around us on a daily basis.  But when you have someone tell it straight to you, give you examples and compare you directly to someone else.  It's beyond a slap in the face, it's a stab in the chest.  And it's hard to push past.  The first step for me is forgiveness.  So, you know who you are, I forgive you for comparing me, putting me down, making me believe I was less than anyone else and less than worthy of your love and desire.  It doesn't make it right, but I can now move on. 

Empowering fact:  I am me.  I have to be no one else.  I don't have to change because someone else expects it of me.  I have my own talents and specialties.  I am worthy of all the love and desire that I put out into the universe back to me.  I can forgive, move on and believe in myself once more.  And just because someone believes I am not good at something doesn't mean someone else doesn't think the opposite.  There is someone out there for me that loves me for me. 

Disempowering lie trois:  I wear too much make up.  I try to cover myself up.  I am not beautiful.  And again compared to other women, I am not good enough.  This is one of the most evil, vile and disempowering things too many women are made to believe on a daily basis.  Sadly some of us have had to hear it from our own lovers mouths.  I found out that a lover of mine once said he was 'disappointed' in me because I wore more make up at a later point in our relationship then I did when I met him.  That cut me so deeply I still think about it every day when I'm putting on my make up and it was years ago.  In the same vein I had another point out every time I would have a pimple or a spot.  It's so hard to hear someone tell you they believe the worst things you believe about yourself.  It creates a need to be told good things, but then it appears to be ego stroking.  But I can honestly say it has tainted every relationship I've even thought about being in since.  

Empowering truth:  I am good enough for me.  I am good enough for the universal love.  Someone loves me for who I am and not who they think they can change me to be.  Out there someone has thought good things about me.  I have been told the truth when people give me compliments.  I have the ability to believe them.  I can choose to trust.  I can choose to trust myself to make good judgements.  I can choose to be loved.  And desired.  And wanted.  I am loved and desired and wanted.  I don't need verbal affirmations from anyone else to make me believe these truths about myself.  I don't need, but choose to use make up, and outside factor, to enhance the way I look and as a statement to fashion.  I am beautiful.  I am sexy.  I will find someone that finds me desirable in all areas of me.  

I'm so stupid exhausted.  I have had the flu and my body is wrecked.  I have a treatment on Monday and I want to just cry for all of the hours I've spent lying awake tonight when I should be resting this old temple of mine.  Now that I've blogged this, I should sleep better.  

Thanks for listening oh endless ether that is the interweb.  

Hold onto your own truths and rid yourself of the disempowering lies.  

Namaste.

Clare

xx

well the flu sucks

I'm just saying.

I feel like hell.

Or death.

I'd say warmed over but I can't stop shivering.

Sleep well kids.

Clare
xx

Well it's been a while...

But I'm determined not to let this blog die.

So, here's something I just wrote:

It's easy to say something, though sometimes it's much harder to accomplish. There is a curtain amount of thought, ingenuity, patience and perserverance that must go into everything we do. There are times when it would be better for our immediate self to just give up. But so often this apathy effects our later self in ways we can't see right away. Not until sometimes these effects are nearing irreversibility. They can't be taken care of as easily as they were created. And not without killing a part of who we were. Often times these cancers are the product of lies we believe about ourselves and soon we start telling these lies about ourselves. Dishonesty is at the heart of many of our cancers. Pain. Anger. War. Apathy. Illness and medical cancer. We can only take away so many of these lessions before we are no longer what we once were.

Strip yourself down to the bone. Cleanse out your mind, temple and spirit. Remove the cancer before it metastizises. Remove it and grow anew and whole. Become love, gratitude and at harmony with the universe around you.

Namaste.
Clare
Xx

can anyone say...

"yay rain!!!!!"  ???  I can...

Keep tight.

Clare

xx

Where? So many ideas...

Spokane? 

Stay here? 

Seattle? 

San Diego? 

Think maybe I have an obsession with the letter S and where I want to live?

Oye.  Vey.  Life.

Namaste. 

One good idea

Would be for the sun to tone it down a bit here in the Northwest.  Damn it's hot.  

Just saying. 

Alive, but in a weird spot in life.  

As ever, I know.

Cheers.

Clare

xx

break from packing

A break from the boring packing and cleaning lather rinse repeat. 

From Kim's facebook:

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions don't repeat a song title. it's harder than you think...

pick your artist: Jason Mraz.

are you male or female: "Butterfly"

describe yourself: "A Beautiful Mess"

how do you feel about yourself: "I'll Do Anything"

describe where you currently live: "So Unusual"

iif you could go anywhere, where would you go: "The Remedy"

your best friend is: "The Dynamo of Volition"

your favorite color is: "Geek in the Pink"

what's the weather like: "Stranger in the Sky"

if your life was a tv show, what would it be called?: "Live High"

what is life to you: "Make it Mine"

what is the best advice you have to give: "Life is Wonderful"

If you could change your name would be: "Gypsy MC"

your favorite food is: "If it Kills Me"

And we'll do it ala Josh Ritter too:

are you male or female: "Girl in the War"

describe yourself: "Next to the Last Romantic"

how do you feel about yourself: "Here at the Right Time"

describe where you currently live: "Idaho" or "Edge of the World"

iif you could go anywhere, where would you go: "Lillian, Egypt"

your best friend is: "Bright Smile"

your favorite color is: "Vapour Trail"

what's the weather like: "Snow is Gone"

if your life was a tv show, what would it be called?: "Last Ditch Effort"

what is life to you: "Thin Blue Flame"

what is the best advice you have to give: "Best for the Best"

If you could change your name would be: "Kathleen"

your favorite food is: "Daddy's Little Pumpkin"

Namaste y'all.

Clare

Been a bit sick

I've been a bit sick from treatments this past week.  Room spinning, nausea kinda sick.  So I've spent much time watching movies.  I've been on a Simon Pegg movie run as of late.  Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, How to Loose Friends and Alienate People, Run Fatboy Run (I triple love heart David Schwimmer).  I don't think most people know but he also wrote most of the movies he's been in.  

I've also watched Howl's Moving Castle, Amelie, Chocolat, The X-Files Movie, and Finding Neverland.  Not to mention watching the Broadway versions of Sunday in the Park with George, Sweeney Todd, and Rent earlier last week.  

I've been thinking a lot about moving this week.  

I have this crazy notion to just get into my car and drive.  Nothing else seems to be lining up right.  I'm really frustrated with the situation but know the universe will take care of me and help me make decisions. 

"Everything happens for a reason" my motto, but the last few weeks I've been wondering how in the world that could be true.  Things happen that I don't understand and just want to hurry up the understanding process!!

Namaste.

Xxxx.

B breakdancing at the fireworks display on the fourth.

Slowest day ever

Close to three hours in and we're looking at zero lancome sales!

No sleep.

I see a long day ahead.

Daily Affirmation

I am connected with the Divine Love in the Universe.

So very true.

Ok, it's alright with me

This blog is a culmination of the time between about 3:30 am and 8:30 am this morning.  

Okay, I admit it, I'm a lyric whore.  Sure, beats, licks, riffs, chunes and such get me into a song, but if I can hear a poiniant phrase fill my ears or a great rhyme or a double entendre that makes me jealous I didn't think of it first, I'm lost. 

I'm writing this today because I can't put into words what I feel.  When I'm in an emotional state I'm bad with my words.  So I let other's say it for me in song or poem. 

I've recently fallen in love with Eric Hutchinson.  Brilliant singer songwriter who writes upbeat and plays the piano like a hottie.  Serious, check him out. 

One of his songs is going through my head this early early morning.  I listened to it last night and through a very difficult experience after listening to it again only then realized what it truly means for me.  

"Ok it's alright with me some things are just meant to be.  It never comes easily and when it does i'm already gone. I'm practically never still more likely to move until i end up alone at will.  My life continues inching along...

Ok it's alright to me some people are scared to see what's happening frequently but I would never shy from a fight.  Heartbeat with a high demand often will go hand in hand but i'm sick of just starting plans i wanna spend the rest of my life...

Ok it's alright with me."

And also a little Josh Ritter wonder lyric is passing through my head... "Lying on your back as the sun goes down, you know it's perfect 'cause you gotta leave."  

I've never liked goodbyes.  I suck at them really.  I get emotional inside which I think can translate to sarcasm and coldness on the outside.  Especially if it's a true solid I'm never going to see you again goodbye.  Then comes the part when two people actually part, one or both walk away and suddenly there's a hundred things flooding into my head that I should have said but didn't.  Or could have said to make them stay.  Wonderings if it's worth it run after them and say them.  Then realizing it's truly best to just morn the loss (my way = a big old hug from my amazing little man, a tub of ben and jerry's karmel sutra and a movie, everyone keeps telling me I should watch He's Not That Into You (fuck knows what they are trying to tell me) but I might have to save that one for tomorrow and just stick with my good old Breakfast at Tiffany's stand by) pick yourself up off the floor and let life keep inching along.  

Ok, it's alright with me.

I wouldn't change a thing that's happened.  Now, then, or ever.  Life has a way of teaching us things or changing us because.  Ahh life, my one true love.  The universe has it's reasons.  

Namaste. 

789...10

Mister Mraz (http://www.freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com) posted a lovely inspiring blog post today.  I've had a hard couple of days/weeks past and have needed to sit down and really make a list like this.  

So in the spirit of the Gratitude Cafe, here is my 789 list 'o ten.

Today, I am grateful for:

1.) Sunshine and long walks.

2.) All things fruit and veg that grow to give us full tummies and happy taste buds.

3.) Photos that make me smile, laugh, giggle, titter and otherwise remember.

4.) For the universal truth that people are inherently good. 

5.) For football (soccer for you others). 

6.) Friends that know when I need a distraction more than anything else and a son who gives the worlds biggest (running-leaping-flying) hugs.

7.) The fact that the seventh, eighth and ninth songs itunes shuffled were in order: I'm Yours ("It's your god intended right to be loved...") by Jason Mraz, Sea Song by Rachel Unthank and the Winterset ("But I can't understand the different you in the morning when it's time to play and be human for a while, please smile..." and "So until your blood runs to meet the next full moon, your madness fits in nicely with my own..."), and then My Song by Brandi Carlile ("and I'm too proud to beg for your attention and your friendship and your time so you can come and get it from now on..."). 

8.) That the J-Man is playing in Spokane on Sept 25th at Riverfront park!!  Still going to the Seattle show too, but ya know, it's Riverfront park!

9.) That I woke up this morning without real fear of anything.

10.) For love.

Aloha!

Back in the thick of it

Lots going off around here these days.  Let's cover the last week.  

My next door neighbor died.  Well, was murdered.  In Moscow, Idaho.  I left Minneapolis to small town Idaho to have this happen?  I am not a little bit in shock about it all.  Anyone with a spare hug to give, I could use one. 

Life is so so precious.  I am so happy and grateful to have my friends and family as healthy as they are.  Albeit a bit insane some of them, I won't fault them for it.  

Still moving.  Somewhere.  I am having a hard time making decisions.  

Got the official word on Saturday that I got one of the main roles in the Sexy Tell Me web series.  We'll hopefully start filming soon. 

Just keep smiling and having gratitude and showing love.  

Peace to everyone.  Namaste.  And a big Om mani padme hum. 

Life is so precious

My next door neighbor died in a house fire this morning.  She was in her 20's. 

I'm fine.  My place is fine.  Shaken, but fine. 

Life is so incredibly precious.  How can we go through life being so hateful, calus, resentful, disliking out jobs, our lives, our families, our friends, everything.  We should be grateful for ever day that we are on this beautiful earth. 

Smile, because today, you're here. 

The five symbols that pervade my life peace, love, gratitude, yin yang, and om (include buddah and ghanesh and krishna as well... but I suck at drawing). 

Lovely day

Trying to convince myself there, can you hear it? 

Pretty shoddy day really.  Spent a large part of it vomiting in the doctors office.  Thank god they finally gave me a shot and then some pills which finally got me to ya know... stop. 

Having a hard time being upbeat today.  But I am trying very hard.  

"If constructive thoughts are planted positive outcomes will be the result. Plant the seeds of failure and failure will follow."

"Thinking negatively is like taking a weakening drug."

Wake to dream...

Today's gratitude ideas:

Focus on Gratitude just before drifting to sleep and immediately upon waking.

And the daily affirmation: 

My work is always recognized positively.

Hello is this thing on?

I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  I am a duck.  It shall roll off my back.  

pack it in

Have you ever had one of those days/weeks where you want to just pack it all up, change your name, change your identity and goals and just run away?  This week has been a bit like that.  I'm so exhausted lately it's really starting to effect my mood and my structure of life.  I'm normally not like this.  But I feel spent.  Maybe this is just part of the course I'm running.  The treatments are making me anemic which is in turn running me down even harder.  Finding 101 ways to prepare kale.  Eating lots of bran, kale type greens, chickpeas, and so much Whey and Green protein powder I should buy stock in the company.  If only I could just slam down a pound of liver.  :S

Anyway, yes, tired, run down Clare is still excited about things though.  She's excited for her Day at the Spa next week.  She's excited to wear a dress out and about.  She's excited to partake in the 42 days of World Gratitude (worldgratitude.com) coming up starting on the solstice.  She's excited to stop talking in the third person.  

Life is still going and I'm doing well.  I see the doc on Monday again. 

I will keep on keeping on and hopefully my energy levels will start to rise.  Maybe I just need a good cry?  Sometimes I think I'm trying so hard to be positive that I forget to grieve the pain out.  Anyone got a good shoulder?  :) 

NAMASTE Y'ALL

xx

Best tweet ever

"what is a president without a country." There is something happening here. A change gonna come.

More songs

"You're unbelievably hard to love but I love you anyway." how does that not describe everyone? Love it!

Sleepy bye time

Long day at work.  Fed.  Exercised some more.  Ready for bed.  Protein drank? Check.  Face washed? Check.  Alarm set? Check.  Tea drunk?  Check.  Welp, that's about it.  Time to get into bed and listen to some mediative music, spend some time with my thoughts and then drift to sleep and dream good dreams. 

? of the day

Via cafe gratitude:

what stops you from being generous? how are you going to serve love today?

Daily Affirmation

I am filled with energy to do all the daily activities in my life.

Lost for words

So much I could say.  So much I want to say.  So much better off unsaid.  So much people are glad I don't say! :)

I think I might start writing my blog on paper and then just taking pictures and putting it up here.  I don't know why, but there is something about typing that seems so formal and fixed.  Like I have to say something uber intelligent or have witty remarks or talk about the world and the universe all the time. 

Alright, I'll talk about the universe.  One of the other CM's at work is a believer in universal connection (I can't remember off the top of my head the specific 'group' but I'll post it when I do).  The whole premise is that whatever you put out into the universe the universe will give back to you.  So if you believe you are going to have good things and tell it out loud, it will happen.  Whether it works or not is beyond me, but I think it's a great exercise in living positively, with gratitude and love.  Whatever we give, we shall receive.  

Live high.

xx

Daily Affirmation

I am healthy in all aspects of my being.

Long day

Up in Spokane, saw lots of apartments, did a little this, little of that.  

So tired. 

But at least I have some chocolate from the adventure. 

things you never think you'll find again on the hard drive

I guess it's a bit of a bucket list... I don't know.  But I wrote it a very very long time ago.  87 things on the list, 23 done.  Close to accomplishing a few of them; spend 6 months perfecting my body, get something I REALLY want, learn to speak another language fluently. Making moves on a few; learn to swim, learn to surf (those two go hand in hand), catch a fish at the Seattle Market, walk across the Golden Gate Bridge, having the feeling of completeness. 

What's on your list? 

"This is what I look like today... and I'm trying not to pull out my hair... trying not to show it because I'm far too shy to grow it back there... that's probably why I like wearing hats.  There's no denying I'm deferring the facts... "

Daily Affirmation

Again with the liking on this one. :) Makes me happy to have affirmations.  I even downloaded a meditation and affirmation iphone app.  Love it.  Yes, I am okay with being a bit of a freak. 

I have abundant energy, vitality and well-being.

daily Affirmation

wow...

I have the power to control my health.

New favorite iphone apps

Oh god, this thing is addictive.  :0)

Favs:

Brain Teaser, bubble wrap, eight glasses a day, beer me (thanks Jens), lightsaber unleashed, write pad, word search, a fake caller (sooooooooo using this if I ever go on a bad date again... so far haven't had any of those in a while). 

horoscope

bollocks? sure, but they do make for good entertainment.

Virgo:

This whole day you may appear charismatic. You could make your request for a date, apply for a job, raise, promotion or loan. This activity may seem a bit out of the usual as your drive and emotions usually take conservative, well-traveled paths, carefully avoiding the new and different. Someone may encourage you to schedule some academic classes into your routine so that you can either complete some project or brush up on some skills that will benefit your future income. Higher education or philosophical/religious contacts could have a part in making good things happen. Recreation and sports are excellent ways to keep in shape and ease any stress. Careful--accidents could occur if you overdo today.

breath in... breath out...

Each day I will give gratitude for the little things.  

Each day I will not worry for the larger picture is more than I can see. 

Each day I will give thanks for the people in my life. 

Each day I will strive to make the world a better place. 

Each day I will learn something new.

Each day I will wear my heart on my sleeve.

Each day I will push myself to remove pieces of the armor I put on. 

Each day I will work to right a wrong I've done.

Each day I will give good things to the universe and will receive the good things it gives me in return.

Each day I will love unconditionally, grateful to be able to love and receive love in abundance.

Each day I will.

Each day, what will you?

"Now you put water into a cup and it becomes the cup, you put into a bottle and it becomes the bottle, you put water into a teapot and it becomes the tea pot.  Water can flow or it can crash.  Be water, my friend." - Bruce Lee

Namaste. 

Daily Affirmation

My inner vision is always clear and focused.

can't think of anything silly enough

Hey y'all.

Audition yesterday went fab.  Looking forward to working with this bunch.  Not going to jinx anything by writing it down, but yes, it went well. 

Got the iphone.  Boy, there is a learning curve.  Good thing I learn fast or no one might ever hear from me again.

Not much else going off.  I had a lovely weekend with lovely people.  Even the work training wasn't all that bad.  I could have done without the medical stuff, but hey, life goes on, so I'm told.

om mani padme hum.

Daily Affirmation

I am connected with the Divine Love in the Universe.

Early morning wake up call

also titled: fuck the birds start early around here.

4am.  Why?  The sun isn't even thinking about rising yet. 

Hello, starling, get the fuck out of my tree at 4am.  Give me at least another hour and a half. 

Silly birds.

Just got out of the shower, ready to start the adventure.

Here's to a wonderful day.

xx

daily Affirmation

I trust my inner being to lead me in the right path.

I really like this one for my now. 

going going gone

And the boy is finally down.  Birthday party today.  One too many sweets/processed/salt laiden food item and it was like he was on crack tonight.  

Le sigh.  

Kids, can't live with them, can't possibly imagine life without them. 

Wish me a broken limb for tomorrow.  

Goodnight and safe week everyone.

xx

le sigh, gone to the dark side; daily affirmation

and I ain't talking about no moon.  that's right.  

Another daily affirmation as well because I liked this one in my inbox this morning: I am loving and accepting of others and this creates lasting friendships for me.

daily Affirmation

I am free to be myself.

cell phones

The fucking things are going to be the scurge of modern society I swear.  Devilish bastards are made to break, and then we wonder if we missed calls/texts/etc, have trouble getting a new phone because AT&T hates me a little bit, and well, are probably what is killing the bees!  

/end rant

Daily Affirmation

I am surrounded with loving, caring people in my life.

Oh so true! :)

RIP David Carradine

I am an actress.  But rarely do I 'follow Hollywood.'  They live their lives and I live mine, but once in a while you find someone that really does strike you as an amazing person, actor and legend.  To me, David Carradine was one of those actors.  He brought the martial arts community to the forefront the way few others could.  

Kung-fU - David Carradine KungFu
Uploaded by unzip - Classic TV and last night's shows, online.

Auditon/Interview for the Sexy Tell Me web series is on Monday.  

Namaste.

xx

Daily Affirmation

I am deeply aware of my emotions as they arise.  I allow my emotions to be as they are without judging them or myself.

Lyrically speaking

"But I'd rather be the one who loves than to be loved and never even know."

Oh Josh Ritter, the words you write.  I can't wait for Josh to come around these parts next month.  It'll be so great to see him in his hometown element.  

I've been spending quite a lot of time me, the iPod (or CD's) and the Nissan.  Lots of car time.  Spokane is 186ish miles round trip.  I just happen to be one of those people who adores music.  I live, breath, sleep music.  I can't function well without it.  Lyrics run through my head on a hourly basis.  I don't need a lot in life, but I truly believe my life would be little without music.  The beat, the sway, the rush, the pull, the lyrics.  I'm a word nerd.  I admit it.  Any song writer that can string together a verse of well played and double meaninged (new word of the day! yay!) sentences has my vote. 

Here's what's hit me lately:

"Lying on your back as the sun goes down, you know it's perfect cause you've got to leave" - Me and Jiggs by Josh Ritter

"It's a Bible or a bullet they put over your heart. It's getting harder and harder to tell them apart" - Thin Blue Flame by Josh Ritter

"You see the smile that's on my mouth, it's hiding the words that don't come out." - The Story by Brandi Carlile

"Now I live every day like there will never be a last one until they're gone." - My Song by Brandi Carlile

"I was your silver lining, but now I'm gold." - Silver Lining by Rilo Kiley

"Your lunacy fits neatly with my own." - Sea Song by Rachel Unthank and the Winterset

"And timing's everything. And this time, there's plenty. I am balancing. Careful and steady. And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting. Well I don't want to wait no more. No, I want to celebrate the whole world. I'm gonna make it mine. Because I'm following your joy. I'm gonna make it mine because I am open." - Make it Mine by Jason Mraz

"Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love." - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

"Glory God, oh God is peeking through the blinds. Are we all here standing naked taking guesses at the actual date and time? Oh my, justifying reasons why is an absolutely insane resolution to live by. So live high." - Live High by Jason Mraz

"Hold your own, know your name and go your own way." - Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz

"My home is deep inside the mystics." - Dynamo of Volition by Jason Mraz

"There's no shame in being crazy." - Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz

"And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard, but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt." - Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz

"It's when you cry just a little but you laugh in the middle that you've made it." - Tonight, Not Again by Jason Mraz

"La la la la la la life is wonderful." - Life is Wonderful by Jason Mraz

"We dance, we dance, we play, we rant and rave." - Childlike Wildlife by Jason Mraz

So yes, you might sense a few themes, I get fixated on artists and tend to find ones that use big words.  The day I find a musician that makes me pull out my dictionary is the day I fall in love. 

Namaste. 

xx

ps- I am still hacking up my lungs and what not.  But the fever broke at about 5:30 this morning.  Whoo.  

Daily Affirmation

I am safe and always feel protected.

Health Care Organizing Kickoff

Sadly it's (re: title of blog post) on one of the days I'm in Spokane and Spokane's is on a different day.  So I can't attend either. I hope everyone that can will take part in this much needed and momentous step toward Universal health care in the US.  

Lord do I know that we need it.  

Yes, I look as exhausted as I feel.  Long day.  Busy day at work.  Got a lot done before work.  I am coming down with a sore throat as well.  I guess that's what I get for having a four year old with a hacking cough and a weakened immune system.  

Anyone want to come take care of me?  I'm downing buckets of kombucha, echinacea, vit B/C/D, zinc, and jasmine tea.  But what I need is a good back massage, a nap, and a hug. 

Sleep tight.

xx

plotting and planning

Pre-planning a trip with Ayla to spoil ourselves silly one day in Spokane nextish weekend.  Mani/Pedi/detox treatments all around.  We found a cheap spa that is right up our alley.  Spa filled day, plus a nice eye candy filled night (oh yes, you know what that means ;) ) and maybe a walk around a park or something.  We decided we're both worth it.  And in need of it. 

Sent off my resume for an acting gig today.  Christ on a rope I haven't done anything in so long, rusty rusty rusty.  Now where the hell in my ass can I pull some monologues from?

Third times a charm

I had a girlfriend over for dinner tonight.  It was nice to play catch up, life gets so busy it's hard to have time to unwind and really spend time with friends.  I made couscous with mushrooms, zucchini, green onions, tofu, broccoli, and of course loads of garlic and cumin.  A nice green salad with cilantro, cucumber, carrots, radish, almonds, blueberries and a papaya poppyseed dressing.  And for dessert, the infamous chocomole (figs instead of dates tonight, I think I like it better this way... hmmmm might have to do a side by side blind taste test). 

random meme

1) What is the most unerotic part of the human body? armpit?  I don't know there are few parts of the human body that I don't like.

2) What single word best describes you? Neurotic? 

3) If you had to choose between them, would you rather vacation in the mountains or near a lake? I can't have both?  Fine, mountains.

4) Among the people you know well, who would you nominate for sainthood? Ayla, I don't know how that girl deals with people with a smile on her face.

5) What is the strongest opinion you hold? All of them?  But for the moment probably single payer universal healthcare in the US.

6) What sport do you wish had never been invented? Polo... why? 

Daily affirmation

The more honest I am with those around me, the more love is returned to me

Daily affirmation

I have provided a harmonious place for myself and those I love.

Sunday sunday sunday

I love lazy Sunday's.  Today was one.  We were going to go up to Spokane and see the sights, but by the time we got going, it ended up being a "let's just hang out at the park" kind of day.  Maybe next week we'll go up there, since I'm going up there about a hundred times anyway next week.  Oh how I love my car lately.  Anyone know a good car seat back rest?  I'm looking...

Anyway, random day.  Breakfast, park, shop, lunch, nap, park, dinner, movie (in process now-- Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind if you're interested).  Music back drop of the day, loads of Bob Marley (one love, one heart, let's get together and feel alright...).  It's funny, I woke up feeling in a funk.  A bit lonely maybe?  I don't know, just in a funk.  Now, I'm feeling silly and ready.  Kids do that to you don't they?  God love 'em.  

Here's to tomorrow, another day of adventure, maybe we'll do Spokane tomorrow. 

Dove chocolate affirmations

Got some Dove Chocolates for my event at work today.  Man I am an affirmation whore.  

Favs that I saved:

"Think lovingly, speak lovingly, act lovingly."

"Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect."

"Slow down today, enjoy what you have."

"It's never too late for a fresh start."

"Forget the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey instead."

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

"Happiness is the experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."

Oh chocolate how you know just what to say to me.

I've given myself a full at home pedicure tonight.  Wee.  Soft feet are a must have item for summer.  Want to touch them?

Seasons of love

New news: 

Event at work today, I'mahavingablast!  I love it.  I work off energy and people.  LOVE LOVE LOVE.  Also the reason for the BLUE eyes.  Yay Beauty of Travel event.  It's so me.  I love that I can do things like this!

Jason Mraz is playing in Seattle on September 6th, which just SO happens to be my birthday!!  What a coincidence.  Oh yes, I am so there.  Yay for us Kim!!! 

Hugs and kisses to all. 

Namaste. 

xx

spring cleaning

Possible new tenants are coming to tour the flat tomorrow... so I guess this means I really am moving in 64 days.  Oh where or where shall I move to?  Lots of factors, lots of ideas, lots of hope, lots to do, little to move, little time, little credit, little choice.  Thank god I'm not a pack rat and am a bit of a minimalist or this would fucking suck.  

I just did a preliminary 'get rid of the total shit you don't need' clean tonight.  Now I'm so stinking awake I can't even believe it being it's midnight.  

Oh paneer my dear

I love food.  I love good food.  I love cooking good food.  How am I not horribly fat? :)

I just made palaak paneer.  I love that at most given times I can make it just by going and buying some spinach (and I usually have some of that lying around too).  Man Indians know how to eat mighty nice on the cheap.  Top it off with a little bit of lycopene from a tomato and dessert no doubt a nice omega charged avocado. 

You know what's odd?  In my teen years I was anorexic.  I was what was considered anorexic athletica with bulimic tendencies (so said my dietician/nutritionist).  In layman's terms, I didn't eat, I exercised like a banshee and I would throw up when my parents said, "finish your potatoes missy..." It finally dawned on me one day that this was not normal and I went to see my doctor.  She told me I was too smart of this 'crap' and to knock it off.  I was one of those girls who did it to have control over my life from an overbearing, obsessively controlling, neo-nazi father, not because I wanted to be stick thin like Kate Moss.  And now, 10ish years later, I love food.  I am obsessed with eating right, yes, but I love food that is good for me, that has a good taste, that makes me feel healthy, that makes my body react with energy and excitement.  I am so blessed to have those experiences to draw joy from and realize that things in life are beyond us and each even has something to do with what shapes our tomorrow.  And my avocado is going to shape my tonight. 

My name is Clare and I am a nutritionalfoodaholic.  And damned proud of it.

Stay fresh.

Clare's reading again

I've been re-reading The Prophet this morning. 

Love: "When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth."

"But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. "

The entire bit on children should be read by all parents: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet4.html

Giving:

"You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."

Oh just read the whole thing already!

Continuous loop

What I'm listening to today:

Tattoo song:

uses for yogurt are a plenty

Honey, plain yogurt, smidge of almond milk and a little bit of sugar for an exfoliator if your skin can take it.  Mmmmm does the skin good and tastes great.  So what if you look like an idiot with it on.  No one has to see you unless you post it on the internet too. 

Just wait until I show you the avocado and oatmeal hair mask! 

Cheers.

Random thoughts on memorial day

Random thought number 1:  Life throws you some things that don't make sense, that make you feel low, and that leave you wondering why.  But inside and outside of those moments there are times when you feel love, peace, joy, gratitude, safety, admiration, smittenness (my new invented tonight word), and the knowledge that this too shall pass and when it does you'll rise from the ashes, stronger, braver, more sure of yourself and the world around you, and willing to cast your ego and cares aside and ride the wave of life. 

Random thought number 2:  Uh, I just used a water analogy for life.  Yeah, it must be a weird day. 

Random thought number 3:  Why is it so hard to find a pair of flip flops with a little bit of heel that aren't dressy?  Just a random question really. 

Random thought number 4:  My son is growing up before my eyes.  I'm so proud of each new change, but wow, sometimes it all happens so fast I have no time to remember and retain the daily things he does. 

Random thought number 5:  Om mani padme hum. 

Been a smidge busy

But not like that's anything new.  

Let's recap the last few days of thoughts. 

Friday was good.  Long day, but good.  Saturday was okay.  Stressful day to say the least.  Work and life both.  Just felt pulled in too many directions.  Sunday was a really good day though, lots of sunshine which was oh so needed.  Even a little playing in the dirt, both metaphorically and physically.  What else what else... let's see... up to Spokane this morning.  Met up with a friend I haven't seen in a while, it was lovely.  

Tonight has been bath, apartment searching, a bit o texting and some organic california strawberries.  Oh San Diego, how you torment me with your wholesomely delicious fruits. 

san diego like weather

Looking forward to a few days of absolutely beautiful weather here in Moscow.  Wow.  It looks unstoppable on the forecast.  Oh sun, how we orbit you only to find you hidden beneath a set of clouds.  

So many songs are about the moon and the sexiness of it.  I want someone to right a song about doing it under the sun.  ;)

This has been a very interesting week.  Appointments were cancelled which was a blessing in the end because I needed a real day off.  Work has been slow, but not terribly unbearable.  Lots of people from the past are being thought about and then contacting me.  I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and even if we don't know what they are at the time, we will one day find out.  

Well me and the sun are going to do dance and play for a little bit before work.  

It's going to be a good day, somehow I can feel it. 

Namaste.