Turning Tables

Close enough to start a war, all that I have is on the floor.  God only knows what we're fighting for.  All that I say, you always say more.  I can't keep up with your turning tables under your thumb I can't breathe.  So I won't let you close enough to hurt me no I won't ask you, you to just desert me.  I can't give you what you think you gave me.  It's time to say goodbye to turning tables. Under haunted skies I see where love is lost your ghost is found.  I braved a hundred storms to leave you, as hard as you try no I will never be knocked down.  I can't keep up with your turning tables, under your thumb I can't breathe.  So I won't let you close enough to hurt me.  No I won't ask you, you to just desert me.  I can't give me you what you think you gave me.  It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.  Next time I'll be braver I'll be my own savior, when the thunder calls for me. NExt time I'll be braver I'll be my own savior, standing on my own to feet.  I won't let you close enough to hurt me. No I won't ask you, you to just desert me.  I can't give you what you think you gave me.  It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.

Sideways

You know it ain't easy 
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Cuz' diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away 
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

These feelings won't go away

It ain't easy 
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Cuz' diamonds they fade
(diamonds they fade)
And flowers they bloom
(flowers they bloom)
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away 
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
These feelings won't go away

These feelings won't go away

Diamonds they fade
Flowers they bloom
But, I'm telling you
I'm telling you
Diamonds they fade
Flowers they bloom
(Flowers they bloom)
I'm telling you
(I'm telling you)
I'm telling you
(I'm telling you)

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away 
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But, these feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But, these feelings won't go away

These feelings won't go away
Nah, these feelings won't go away
These feelings won't go away

How odd

I have had this blog for two and a half years and I finally just get my first comments?  How odd.

Sigh

I don't know why but I suddenly feel really melancholy.

Sometimes life doesn't work out the way you think it will and you feel like you're living a half life.

Beginners

What a beautiful film.  I think I have a new girl crush on Mélanie Laurent.  She was also in Paris with Juliette Binoche (another girl crush of mine). If only I was so pretty.

The Process of Change

"The only time an abusive man will deal with his issues enough to become someone you can live with is when you prove to him, and to yourself, that you care capable of living without him." Lundy Bancraft's book Why Does He Do That.

I am.  I can.  I have.  I will.

 

And I've learned enough to know that I don't want to. 

 

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&&note_id=10150410037496224#!/note.php?note_id=10150410037496224

Baby steps

When a child is leaning to walk, there is a trepidation in the parent watching them.  Their little knees shake, their arms flail. When B was learning to walk, all I could think of was his undeveloped soft spot and permanent brain damage. Watching him fail after a few first steps was terrifying, but I knew I shouldn't impede on his growth. Soon he was taking many steps to turn it into walking.  Then far to quickly, his walking turned into running.  Then he learned the stairs.  Then skipping.  Riding a bike.  Hopping.  Kicking a football.  His legs were no longer fragile and wobbly, they were strong and muscular. 

This goes with anything we are beginning.  A company, learning a new sport/recreation, dating, changing bad behaviours, learning to accept ourselves, and any number of things. 

When you start, your legs will shake, you'll fall and fail, a lot, you'll learn new ways of trying to make it happen, and you'll take something that wasn't and make it into something that is  

"In the beginner's mind there is no thought, "I have attained something." All self-centered thoughts limit our vast mind. When we have no thought of achievement, no thought of self, we are true beginners. Then we can really learn something. The beginner's mind is the mind of compassion. When our mind is compassionate, it is boundless. Dogen-zenji, the founder of our school, always emphasized how important it is to resume our boundless original mind. Then we are always true to ourselves, in sympathy with all beings, and can actually practice." - Shunryu Suzuki-roshi

L is for the way you look at me...

Anyone who knows me knows I am a huge Kahlil Gibran fan. I've read The Prophet more times than I can count, and it's my standard go to 'first gift' item for most of my friends.  It's spiritual without being religious.  It's truth surrounded by hope.  It's the essence of daily life and the way we should strive to live.

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."

I get shivers down my spine when I read or speak this quote.  It's truth.  As much joy as I get from the earth, the earth gains back from the love I can show it. She really is the ultimate mother.

"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit."

Let love flow out of you without bounds, grow fruit where there is barren land, and give of yourself as often as you can. 

"Love possesses not nor will it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love."

This makes me think of him.  The man who I loved more than I've ever loved, yet hurt me more than I've ever hurt.  He tried to possess me instead of love me and it ended in him being possessed by something inhuman. People are all good, they sometimes choose to be bad.  And they can choose to be good once more because forgiveness always exists.

"When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you."

I have followed, blindly sometimes, down loves narrow paths.  Sometimes I have been pushed off those paths, but the journey was always worth having to dust off.  

"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

Truer words have never been spoken.  Alfred Tennyson first said, 'It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.' But it's when you have lost that realise just how much you loved sometimes.  In the spring I went through the worst breakup I could have ever imagined.  Not even in the worst times would I have thought it would end the way it did.  I haven't spoke to him since.  And though I still have so much hurt in my mind from what happened between us, the love in my heart still burns so strongly.  I've tried putting a lid on it, I've tried drowning it in water, I've tried tearing it out of my chest and burying it in the woods.

I called him my husband.  He asked me to be his wife, but we never made it legal, but still he was my husband, and I was his wife.  We lived as one family, we shared everything we had, we did everything together, he was all I ever had wanted in a partner, and to him I was always true.  I miss him every day.  And I firmly believe that I will never love another the way I love him, and for now, I don't want to.  The thought of being with someone else make me feel ill.  When you legally marry someone, the one true benefit I find is also the biggest fault, you must divorce legally.  It at least brings some sense of closure and an end to what once was, but for now, I feel stuck in limbo, unable to tear away from him, unable to tell him how I feel, and knowing that it wouldn't matter anyway.

I knew from the moment we met that we were made for one another, that we belong in each others arms, and as I told you once before, you'll never find anyone that will love you the way I do, because a love bigger than mine for you isn't possible.  As stupid as people tell me it is, I would take you back if you asked me to because I still believe in the power and truth of love.  Of our love.

I wish you could read this.  I wish you could hear that I love you.

The worst feeling

Sometimes when I think about the past I smile, sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel very bittersweet.

I just found some pictures of the past lingering around in the depths and I am feeling very bittersweet this morning.

I miss my baby, I miss my old life, I miss my friends, I miss you, I miss waking up and hearing "I love you" whether it's from a lover or my little boy, I'm tired of missing things.

I had a dream

"I had a dream last night
And when I opened my eyes
Your shoulder blade, your spine
Were shorelines in the moon light
New worlds for the weary
New lands for the living
I could make it if I tried
I closed my eyes
I kept on swimming."

This is how I feel right now.  Some force keeps me moving forward, pushing onward, taking the next step of each days walk. Some kind of hope that you're out there, thinking of me too, hoping that we'll stumble upon one another. Or maybe we already have.  I just have to keep moving forward, always forward.

Where is my strength?  Where is home?  What am I to do with the bittersweet taste that lingers on my tongue?

Change

When I see your face I'm reminded of the dreams we had.
When our eyes meet I'm drawn into their deepest depths.
When I see you walk I remember your hands on my hips.
When I see you speak I remember the smooth timbre of your voice.

The memories of us, holding hands, walking down the trails, in love
haunt me, threaten my sanity, push me toward you.
Then I remember the nightmares, the fear you inflicted.
The pain I felt from the words you spoke
Or the feel of your hand against my face.

You have so much healing to do in yourself,
And I'm working on my own mind.
It's not my job to fix you now.
Self change has to be your priority.

And all I can do is offer you hope.

Purgatory

Some days I feel like life is neither fair nor simple. 
Why does it have to hurt so much? 
Why do I have to feel at all?
Can't I just take some Novocaine for heart break?

With this hole in my chest, I feel like everyone stares.
Casting me sad looks of pity.
Whispers echoing around me like ghosts.
"Look that's the poor thing that lost her soul."

Simplicity has always been my motto for life.
But right now I feel I'm too complex to stand alone.
The world I once knew seems paler.
The sky doesn't seem as blue.

Things I once loved, I now avoid for the memories.
Trying to make new dreams I trip over the old ones.
I wonder around like I'm half alive.
Is this what purgatory feels like?

No matter

No matter how hard I've tried.  I can't forget you.  But I can't seem to forgive you either.
When I can't look into your face and read your thoughts how am I supposed to go on living?

I find myself wondering through hallways too afraid to open any doors to the rooms.

Dread fills my soul as my hand touches a handle, much like Judith in Duke Bluebeard's castle, I demand the doors be opened, but am afraid at what I'll find.

Behind door number one I find the memories of mental anguish.  Bad things I've been made to believe about myself flooding out like a torrent.

Door number two holds all of the mind games you used to play.  I steel my heart and push on.

When I move to number three, you nudge me forward, suggesting that I turn the key myself.  Light floods out knowledge and love.  Your education plainly evident on the walls, your care and desire to cook.  How you used to memorize everything I said.  The poetry you used to write me is written on the walls as if it were a beautiful wallpaper.

Number four shows your love for nature.  I see images of our time together biking, hiking, I see us laying in a grassy field kissing and touching, laughing and loving.  I hear the sound of the birds and the Aspen trees we both adore.  Staring up in the sky of stars, listening to the water beat the shore of the river, my head on your chest, where it seems to belong.

When I open door number five, I shield my eyes, the sun beaming in brightly.  Fields and mountains, streams and meadows, your past homes and our future home we've talked so lovingly about building, tucked into the south brow of the foothills of a vast mountain range. Made of glass and stone, made with our own hands, beautifully constructed and designed to shelter us.

Suddenly you grasp my hands and ask me to stop.  Command me to stop.  Tell me to love you and enjoy the life before us.

I demand no more secrets and I open the sixth door.  The room is dark, and when opened a shadow covers the sun.  A small box is in the middle, and inside are slips of paper with words written upon them. "Anger" "Distrust" "Manipulation" "Need to be right" "Domestic Violence" "Hurt" "Cowardice" All of these words about you, about me, about us and the pain we've caused each other.
Memories have covered everything like blood red stains that won't wash off.

With force you won't allow the last door to be opened, that it must be closed forever.

I move pasted you and throw it open, wide.

Then I see it, all of your past hurts, caused and taken. Your two ex wives, your ex girlfriends, your sons, your brothers, parents, and friends who you've been hurt by or who have felt your anger and wrath.  They sit locked inside this room that you don't allow anyone into, that you won't step into yourself to clean out.

You take me by the wrists, kiss my lips and push me through the doorway, an echo louder than the night leaving me in the darkness.

real

Standing at a precipice between angers deep crevasse and the ever changing sky. I fret for but an instant. I choose. And I leap. Hope? Where are you now?